A FEW WORDS FROM THE HEART

May I just say, Fuck law deep in the goat ass. Way deep.

I'm going to go out on a limb here with a rather broad statement (a statement that is unfortunately 100% true).

Lawyers are scum. Terrible, terrible people. All of them. From the stereotypical corporate lawyer to your high powered QC to your stressed out depressed drug taking legal aid lackey. All of them are scum. The law is scum. Studying law is absolute bullshit and anyone who disagrees is themselves an absolute asshole.

Which begs the rather obvious question: Why am I still doing law?

I'm not a psychologist, you tell me. A few popular theories...

1. I hate myself.
2. I'm scared of not following through.
3. I can't be fucked changing degrees.
4. I'm afraid to give up the job security.
5. It would make the last 2 years rather pointless.

All are valid reasons.

This has been a long time coming. However, I've come to the gut-wrenching conclusion that the law, lawyers, judges, lecturers, all of them, are self-important 'tards of the highest order. Which is not to say I'm not complicit in the whole sorry business.

Worse still, they (they being Melbourne Uni law school) suck you in by offering a few decent courses in the first couple of years (Torts aint too bad, because everyone likes to sue or pretend to, criminal law is fun what with the murder part and whatnot) but I defy anyone to enjoy property law. If you are one of the sick, sorry individuals who actually gives two fucking hoots about property law you are either a masochist, an overachieving fuck or some kind of robot/tard hybrid.

The only subject that comes close to approximating the self-important, puffed up tone of law is cultural studies. However, cultural studies has the decency to be a genuine 100% self-sustaining cottage industry, in which great treatises are written about urinals and supermarkets (and the occasional interesting book, eg Don Delillo's White Noise, not a bad read) but at least no one gets hurt. They can be funded by the taxpayer for all I care. Law and lawyers on the other hand, conspire to fuck everyone over (and not cheaply either).

Law Students live in a state of denial over the whole sorry mess. They either struggle along and eventually stop caring (and I don't want to blow my own trumpet, but I was happily going along in first year getting H1's and last year, when the rot set in, I comfortably passed both subjects after attending 2 lectures all year - that's 102 skipped lectures all up) or they turn into sleep deprived law zombies, or they take to it like vicious lawyer vampire ducks to a pond of human blood. These fuckers are the scariest, as they can't wait - CAN'T WAIT - to stop being students. They can't wait to do articles and go work for a big firm or get a shitehouse job working for DFAT. Then they'll end working for the UN, finding ways to cover up the latest oil scandal and expressing their deep concern at the state of whatever the fuck happens to go wrong that day, or they'll
become corporate whores.

I never used to like the stereotype of law students and lawyers as scumbags/corporate whores in waiting. But it's true. We are whores who love the secret language that we're taught, which yr average citizen has sweet fanny adams chance of understanding or interpreting should our services ever be required.

Lawyers are wretched scum. So are law firms. Law schools are festering cesspools.

Phew! That's a weight off my chest. And now back to the cocksucking exercise which started this whole diatribe.

And to all the future wigged 'tards who are posting on the property law forum, GET A FUCKING LIFE. This coming from a guy who spends most of his days staring morosely at a wall (and enjoying it). Fuck you guys. Fuck you way deep in the goat ass.

NB: Being a corporate whore isn't the worst thing in the world. I've got plenty of respect for entrepreuners who get out there and do crazy shit. Heck, even accountants are better than lawyers because at least accountants don't think they're God's special gift to humanity.

And remember kids, if you hit a lawyer with your car, make sure you kill him, because it'll be cheaper and yr far less likely to get sued. And if you do get put away, every crim will love you something fierce (and not in a dropped the soap kind of sense).

Rant over. Bring it on lawyers! I'll kill you all. I swear to God.